WWE RECAP!: Raw, 1/26/09

Welcome to WWE Recap! This is going up really late on a Tuesday afternoon, which means that everyone is already geared up for ECW! Oh wait no one is! EXTREME

WWE RAW

DUDE THAT’S MY P’ZONE, IN YOUR HOUSE

Man, so awesome. I used to spend boring hours in class trying to figure out what the lyrics were to that song.

Ah, good ol’ Raw. The WWE just doesn’t look as good in blue on broadcast television, which may or may not make me classist. I hope it does – it’s nice to be a part of things. Not only is this the first Recap I’d being doing of Raw, but it’s also the Raw after a major pay-per-view, and those are always fun. Or at least I remember them always being fun, because somehow I remember Mankind winning his first world title the night after a pay-per-view, even though it turns out that I have a shitty memory (who knew!). But still, good episode last night.

Previously…

So Randy Orton kicked Vince McMahon like…I dunno, an unloved dog? A slightly elevated, flat soccer ball? A Gov’t Mule? Anyway, he kicked the shit out of that head/weak analogy and made Stephanie get all screamy, so chances were going from there that Orton’s punishment would be a big deal. Then Orton won the Royal Rumble. Like, the whole damn thing. So now we have a good old-fashioned kerfuffle on our hands, which is always when the WWE gets interesting.

The Main Event

At the beginning of the show, Randy Orton introduced the world to his lawyers and his therapist and explained his terrible battle with the incredibly-fake sounding (but pretty damn real) Intermittent Explosive Disorder, causing him to punt things at will when provoked. He then threatened to sue the WWE twice if he were fired, and that he would take Ted DiBiase (the wee one, not the money guy) and Cory Rhodes with him, thus bankrupting the company and causing us to all weep uncontrollably into our pillows while the Raw pushes out a bunch of much more talented hacks into that now cold and lifeless ring.

To end the night, Stephanie came out to confront Orton, and Orton again acts like the greatest asshole in the history of the world, falling to his knees and begging to be fired so he can sue the company and (gasp) cancel Wrestlemania! (Orton’s the best heel the WWE’s got these days, and boy do they know how to use him.) The whole Raw roster comes out and, kind of, grimaces at Orton while McMahon informs him that the Family’s plans are much worse for Orton, which leads everyone to get excited, and everyone holds their breath, and the punishment is…

……ummm seriously? Shane? That’s all we’re getting?

Yep, Shane’s all we’re getting. Ugh, he looks like he’s 50 years old now. I mean, not in this terrible YouTube vidcap. Here he looks like someone ran him through “Mosaic” one too many times on Photoshop. Well, knowing Shane, he’s probably gonna counter-sue him or put his #1 contendership on the line or something, right?

Nope, he slaps him a bunch. Just, like, tackling him and slapping him. I mean, he slaps him pretty hard, but he still just sort of has a seizure on top of Orton three times while Rhodes and DiBiase try to pull him off. Orton, appearing rather confused, has to decide whether he should look hurt or start laughing while he walks up the ramp, only to get tackled again and slapped some more before the Raw roster pulls them apart. Sort of an anti-climactic way to end the night, although this storyline seems good enough to carry well into No Way Out.

Also, Shane-o? Go back to doing that kind of stuff, please. We just feel bad for you now.

The Worst

Rule #1: If you can’t find a real terrible match, go with the women’s tag match. Not because women can’t inherently wrestle, but because they’re almost always in seven-inch high heels and, like, two centimeters away from being completely topless to really be more than an education in watching hawt babes. Kelly Kelly Melina vs. The Glamazons was no different. Sorry, ladies.

The Best

As a cynical and age-hardened young man, it has been a very long time since I’ve been motivated by pro wrestling to cheer audibly. After awhile, you can’t like it that way anymore. It’s not sad, it’s just different – now I can laugh at all the storylines, the stilted acting, and notice when someone screwed up an arm drag, but that pure sense of joy is just gone. Yet when Kofi Kingston floated over and behind Kane as the Big Red Machine went for what seemed to be an inevitable choke slam and pinned him, beating the physical embodiment of the “lumbering oaf” type of wrestler, it came back. I jumped up and cheered. I felt like a fool, but so what? The overpopular, underinteresting Kane was not going to the Elimination Chamber match at No Way Out, and going in his stead would be Kingston. A ballsy choice, but one to be lauded, WWE.

The Rest/Stray Observations

- Also in the Elimination Chamber match so far: John Cena, Rey Mysterio, and Chris Jericho. This is already fun.

- Speaking of Y2J, he had some words for Mickey Rourke, who threw some words of caution Jericho’s way at the SAG Awards on Sunday. Based on how supportive of The Wrestler WWE has been in recent weeks, this thing looks to be more and more real every moment. RAM JAM!

- The (actual) Main Event was Cena vs. Shawn Michaels by way of JBL for a spot in the Elimination Chamber. Shawn Michaels was going up for the ol’ elbow drop when JBL told him (really slow, and with a Texas accent) to Superkick Cena instead. Cena then pushed JBL into Shawn Michaels, causing Michaels to fall and leading to Cena’s victory. JBL then looked disappointd in Michaels. That’s right, BLAME THE SUBORDINATES, JBL.

- Worst Announcing bit of the day:

Michael Cole: Raw comes to you tonight from frozen Cleveland!

Jerry Lawler: You know, the Cleveland Browns just hired announced a new general manager today, but I wonder what Raw’s General Manager will do about Randy Orton!

MC: You wanna talk about cold, that’s Randy Orton.

Thanks for coming, guys.

- This is hilarious to me:

Not the ad, the ad is kinda depressing. What’s hilarious is that these banner ads have been running all over WWE.com for about the last couple of weeks. Do you think they’re doing this just to get back at the World Wildlife Foundation for making them change their name?

That’s all for this week. Oh yeah, Kane wants to know where you put his “automatic win becau he biiiig”. He can’t find it.