Which Current Phillies are (Possibly) on the Roids?

Now that all of this A-Roid 2003 nonsense has been uncovered, it’s time to ask, who are some of the others of the 103 on that God forsaken list? Now my favorite team is the Phillies, so I’ll be listing all of the suspects I think have used steroids in the past. I’ll look over all 25 current players on the active roster and attempt to decipher the ‘roiders from the real. To tell you the truth, any player in Major League Baseball could be a suspect. Hell, Paul Byrd used HGH. PAUL BYRD! If anyone had told me he was a roider I’d bet Donovan McNabb’s left kidney that it was a lie. So here we go, these are the suspects from my beloved Phils.

Ryan Howard

This 6’4″ 255 pound behemoth has to be on any suspected steroid list because of his prodigious strength. Do I think he’s on steroids? No. Is there a chance? Of course. Though I believe his talent is purely natural, A-Rod had the most talent in baseball this side of Ken Griffey Junior and he was tempted to cheat. Would a 26 year old Howard in Double A Reading be tempted to pick up the needle and try coax his body into producing the extra statistical push needed to capture the attention of GM Ed Wade? Highly likely. I picked up the latest issue of Sports Illustrated today and read the article on a 21 year old Yale graduate who spent a year in the Angels farm system, a lad named Matt McCarthy. He stated that “greenies were passed out like candy and the allure of steroids was ever present”. So what I’m getting at is that Howard may have been tempted to add some homers to his total and get that big league shot he wanted. And got, to say the least.

Chase Utley

It pains me to name my favorite player of all time in this list, but this man has played way over his God given talent to produce prodigious hall of fame worthy power numbers from second base, all while maintaining a svelte physique that enabled him to run faster then the average white guy (he’s not a speedster for any means). And boy, that hustle! All that running and diving and hitting must leave a heavy toll on his average frame. HGH is a definite possibility, as it’s not a drug that builds bulk, but adds tone and leanness to muscles, enabling them to heal quicker and stay strong over a long season of hardball.

Chris Coste

The man with the legendary story reached the majors for the first time in his life at the youthful age of 33 and proceeded to set Philadelphia’s heart aflame with his gritty play and .300 batting average. He was the toast of Philadelphia for a good 2 years. His story is of the hardworking nice guy who never gave up on his dream and finally did what he wanted to do after 12 hard years grinding down his knees in the independent and minor leagues. Coste is a genuine nice guy who’s one of the top backup catchers and pinch hitters in the game. Did he dabble in some steroids to get to the pros? Probably not, but the window’s always open, and his surprise arrival in the major leagues and his surprising success may have been helped by some juicin’.

Brad Lidge

Though some think that steroids are just for homer mashers, HGH might actually be more beneficial to pitchers because it lubricates the joints and helps with recovery time so a pitcher can be fresher deep into a major league season. Lidge was a lights out reliever for a good 4 years in Houston when he inexplicably lost his mojo. His command went out the window and his confidence went with it. The man with the best strikeout ratio in the history of baseball and the Bugs Bunny slider had lost command of his signature pitch and couldn’t cut it anymore. Some say it was because of the mammoth home run he let up to Albert Pujols in the NL playoffs, but it could be that he went off the ‘roids and with that his mental edge.

Does this man look like a juicer to you?

Whatever the case is, he finally got his slider back just in time to have a perfect season for the Phillies and cap it off with a World Series victory (though he did have some major struggles around the all-star break).

Brett Myers

Heavy build? Check. Anger problems? Check. Fiery, competitive win at all costs personality? Check. This is a power pitcher who’s fastball tops out a 93, so he might have wanted that extra edge at some point in his career. At times, I’ve seen his fastball rise to 96-97 and drop all the way to 89. I could see him wanting to gain that extra edge and some consistency on that speedball by dropping some HGH. If you recall, he was actually the closer for the Phils last year because his demeanor was perfect. Of course, he almost blew out his shoulder, but that’s not relevant.

Adam Eaton

Not many people like Adam Eaton. Including me. He was a prized prospect who bounced around the Texas Rangers, Seattle Mariners and San Diego Padres organization before landing a miracle contract with the Phillies. Why did Pat Gillick sign this dope? Your guess is as good as mine. This money stealer has lost some MPH off of his fastball over the past few years, which is a sign of a doper who had to get off the stuff. All I know is, if the end results of steroids are Adam Eaton, keep that stuff away from me please.

Shane Victorino

The Flyin’ Hawaiian has gained some weight since his state champion sprinter days back in high school, and it could be from the use of steroids to help him get to the Bigs. He was a former Rule 5 Draft Pick from the Detroit Tigers LA Dodgers who was a nice surprise to the Phillies’ backup outfield situation until he finally settled down in centerfield after Aaron Rowand left. He has said that he isn’t as fast as he was back in the sprinter days, but he may have roided to trade some speed for pop. Who knows?

Jayson Werth

The skinny speedster formerly referred to by me as Jayson Werthless is quite possibly the fastest man on the Phils. The redeemed outfielder has gained the trust of me as well as the rest of the Phillies faithful by displaying surprising pop plus excellent fielding and baserunning. He also has a cannon. But don’t forget, he blew out his elbow a few years back and a side effect of steroids is joint problems because of stress by too much muscle gain. You know what’s awesome? He used to look like this.

Carlos Ruiz

Lil’ Chooch Ruiz has a some of that Barry Bonds chubbiness going on around the face and waist, so you never know. But this small man probably isn’t good enough to be on Roids. If he was, he’d make the steroid club look bad.

Raul Ibanez

The newest addition, 37 year old Ibanez spent the first 10 years or so wallowing in mediocrity before finally becoming a top notch 100 RBI run producer with the Seattle Mariners. Steroid fueled? Possibly. Those biceps do look really large. Maybe he was hanging out with Bret Boone.

Matt Stairs

Ahh, who am I kidding. He’s probably allergic to ‘em.

And finally, one final name for nostalgia’s sake. It’s our boy Pat the Bait.

Pat Burrell

The vaunted womanizer has never met a woman or a piece of chewing tobacco he didn’t like. He was what every man dreamed of when they picked up a baseball bat. He did what he wanted, hit home runs and struck out a lot. He was slow and didn’t care. And at night he’d paint the town Pat and destroy bars and little girls’ hearts. He’s a guy who would be a prime steroid suspect. He was big, strong and liked to win. If his name popped up on the list, I’d be the least surprised of all the Phillies. Happy trails Pat, and good luck in Tampa. You’ll get to do what you’ve always wanted, which is sit on the bench spitting tobacco, pick out the girls that you want that night (even though you’re recently married), pick up the bat as the DH every now and then and do what you do.

I remember a Pat story from spring training one year where a reporter followed him around for a whole day, which involved him lying on his back taking a nap while the rest of the team stretched and did warmups, then grab a box of donuts and eat them while the rest of the team did hitting drills.

So there you go fellas. My heroes, victimized in my personal whodunnit steroid list. Peace.