"And dogs should stop licking themselves, it’s not going to happen."

The TV show House M.D. is one of the best-rated and most-watched medical dramas on television. House is alluring for its biting wit and moving drama. Well, Shakey and I got thinking and we realized that a few members of the staff here have eerily similar characteristics to the characters on the show. Without further ado, we present to you the writers of The Rookies if they were the doctors on House.

House

310ToJoba as Dr. Gregory House

He doesn’t care for social contracts or your feelings, as one trip into The Rookies Executive Chatroom would reveal to you. He’s brutally honest and will tell you exactly what’s on his mind without mincing words. Self-centered at best and ego-maniacal at worst, it may seem like he doesn’t give a flying fuck about others, but at heart you know he really cares. At least we think.

Wilson

Rockabye as Dr. James Wilson

The ultimate foil to 310ToJoba. Like Wilson, our fearless leader is focused on restraining the behavior of his companions. He often demonstrates a penchant for being other-centered to a fault and wishes for everyone to like him at all costs, a fact evidenced by his extreme devotion to politeness and demonstrating good grammar. A Good Samaritan of the blogosphere to say the least.

Foreman

LittleWaynesBleedingHead as Dr. Eric Foreman

You pick the name that could be interpreted as being black and you get the black guy, man. Fair is fair.

NERRRRRD!

Coolhwhip as Dr. Chris Taub

One conversation with Coolhwhip will reveal the characteristic he has in common with Taub instantly: they are both HUGE NERDS. If you need further proof of this analogy, consult the majority of picks that Coolhwhip made in the first podcast.

Kutner

SamerOchoCinco as Dr. Lawrence Kutner

Let’s keep the racial stereotypes rolling!

"Thirteen"

Skating Tomato as Dr. Remy “Thirteen” Hadley

Both are total hotties, and don’t you dare forget it.

Cameron

Chilltown as Dr. Allison Cameron

This goes beyond physical attractiveness as, like Cameron, Chilltown is smart, honest and mildly bemused by the rest of our antics. Like his counterpart, Chilltown often sits on the periphery, weighing in only to tell us all the good ideas we should have thought of originally and probably shaking his head at our collective moral reprehensibility.

Chase

Shakey as Dr. Robert Chase

Both have really distinctive voices, you know?

Amber

Rovitz as Dr. Amber Volakis

Like Amber he appeared to be a big part of what was going on in the show. Then she died. Rovitz is still living as far as we know, but his involvement with site has declined so precipitously that we think his online persona may have kicked the bucket.

But we have an even more important question for you readers! Who is Cuddy? If the writers already named are the characters above, which one of the remaining staffers is the total MILF who wants to jump House’s bones? You must decide!