Commenter Interviews: ClintonPortisHead

Good day ladies and gentleman. Today we have ClintonPortisHead on the Rookies’ hot seat. So let’s get crankin’.

We’ve launched the sports satire blog Style Points featuring me, you, Saberhagendaaz and Business_Socks. What is your goal with the site, and in what general direction are we headed in?

Incestual nepotism, if this interview is any clue. I don’t have many goals (ask my parents) but the intent is to just be original and humorous and hope others enjoy it. I see it as practically Deadspin commenting, just in longer form. I would also love to receive some hate mail while we’re at it.

How excited are you for this project?

About as excited as Michael Jackson in an African orphanage. We’ve got some really funny contributors lined up.

How will this site be different from your run of the mill sports blog?

The site will be dictated by the senses of humor of those of us running it, which I don’t think fall anywhere inside the mill’s run. We’ll be out there, we’ll take some risks, we’ll probably shit our pants a time or two. Hopefully someone will take pictures.

Is this your first foray into sports blogging?

I did a couple posts for fellow DS’er Kick His Ass Seabass at Half Court Heave, which is now being run by Starburied since Seabass is big-timin’ after his other blog, netsarescorching.com, became a part of the TrueHoop network. They gently popped my cherry, but I quickly realized I  don’t have the attention span to focus on just one sport or topic. Hey look, a strawberry.

You’re a big part of the Deadspin commentariat. How much do you enjoy commenting, and how great are your commenting peers?

Deadspin commenting is like exercise for witty sports nerds. It keeps me sharp and in shape and stops my brain from rotting at work. It’s also a collection of some amazingly funny people, many more so than I. It’s dorky as all get out, but I love the place.

Some favorite commenters?

Gourmet Spud of course, Doyle McPoyle, Sports-Pun, Weed Against Speed, ArkansasFred, Sussman - the usual murderer’s row. Also a big fan of Hatey McLife, Phil Mickelson’s Man Tits, Jefferson Tardship, and David Hume among others.

Number one commenter in the game?

I feel like I should say someone else just to break up the monotony (like giving the NBA MVP during the 90s to anyone not named Jordan) but it has to be Spud. He’s on another level.

Teams you follow?

Hilary Duff, Miley Cyrus..oh, teams. Redskins first and foremost, Pitt hoops and football, Wizards, Orioles, Brazil National Soccer (at least during the World Cup).

Who should I interview next?

I hear The MENTALIST! is available.

How did you pick your commenting handle?

What commenting handle? My father was Clinton Portis and my mother was a successful British trip-hop band.

Blogs you enjoy?

Believe it or not, I’m not a big blog reader beyond Deadspin. KSK and WithLeather occasionally, but otherwise my online time is spent at Slate, ProFootballTalk, Yahoo Fantasy baseball, and ogling friend’s ex-girlfriends on Facebook.

Who should die in a fire?

Too long of a list to name. Let’s just go with Jerry Jones.

Favorite professional athlete?

Gilbert Arenas, Chris Cooley, obviously Mr. Portis. Larry Fitzgerald out of Pitt love, and you can throw DeJuan Blair in there next year too.

Back in the day, how’d you come by your commenting account?

I read Deadspin every day without commenting for a solid year before ever attempting a comment.  I loved the story angles and the fresh jokes and the witty commenters, and didn’t feel like I’d be able to hang as anything more than a reader. Finally I just went ahead and auditioned a few jokes, and got in on my fourth or fifth – I believe it had something to do with Charlie Weis not knowing what his penis looks like. Reading for that long before commenting definitely helped me out though – if I had tried to make jokes as soon as I’d found the site, I would’ve quickly gone the way of Concrete Brad.

Back when Iracane was king of the comments, you were commenter-executed. How surprised were you? Did it motivate you to achieve the top tier commenter status you wield now?

Extremely surprised, if only because I never did understand why. Made a dirty joke about Erin Andrews manipulating herself with a wine bottle, and Mr. Iracane axed me because he didn’t think a “2001 Pinot Grigio” was a plausible selection. Got over it though and had a new account approved in only a day or two..I also take pride in being the last person he ever axed in a Combudsman column. I don’t know about top tier commenter designation either..I’ve always considered myself more clever than funny, and there are a lot of others more consistently humorous than I. I’m streakier than John Starks sometimes.

You attended the University of Pitt. What did you think of the Deadspin Deleted Scenes Dejuan Blair story?

Same thing everyone else wondered: what kind of drugs the author was on, and where I could get some. Glad to hear Mr. Blair keeps it classy on campus, though.

Favorite thing about DUAN?

Keeping tabs on CPSL’s love life and witnessing the comment explosions after someone nails a game winner or a brawl starts. Poetry in motion.

What do you think the term ‘glitterfire’ means.

It’s probably what Nick Cannon has on his dick after boning Mariah Carey on the regular.

Famous person that has absolutely no reason to be in the public eye?

Jesus, have you seen television lately? Half of them.

Least favorite professional athlete?

LeBron Favre

Did you ever expect to be a big name in the blogosphere?

No, and I still don’t. Just looking for ways to avoid working and make friends with other clever degenerates. So far, mission accomplished.

A word that should be obliterated from the English language?

Well, since people have proven themselves incapable of using it correctly, let’s go with “literally.”
-Oh my god, I literally died laughing.
-The fuck! A ghost!

If you were Jesus for an hour, what would you do?

Spend 45 minutes telling everyone to calm the fuck down, and then 15 running sprints across the Potomac. Gotta stay fresh.

If you could switch bodies with an athlete, who would you be?

Allison Stokke, and I’d never leave my room.

Did you enjoy Will’s battle with Bissinger?

Absolutely. It was like some sort of surreal meeting point of Will Leitch and sports blogging on the rise and Buzz Bissinger and oldman vitriol on the decline. Not to mention it broke Braylon Edwards and further cemented Bob Costas as a hack. It was a busy day.

Kige Ramsey: Deadspin Hall of Famer?

Gotta say, I don’t get all the Kige love. I’ve chuckled at a few of the ideos, but it’s not Hall of Fame stuff for me. Barbaro not being in is a damn travesty, though.

TV shows you enjoy?

The Wire is the pinnacle of recorded television. Huge Futurama fan, also Dexter, Jeopardy!, South Park, and Conan O’Brien (assuming the 11:30 slot doesn’t usurp his testicles).

Favorite musician?

I could go all day here as well, but will limit myself to TV on the Radio, Andrew Bird and the Black keys.

How should Jay Mariotti die?

Slowly.

How frightened are you of Nightmare Ant?

As frightened as the next guy..that thing has no soul. Also I’m pretty sure he’s consumed one or both of the Olsen twins.  I’m way more wary of Nightmare Bees though, so if you see any, give a brother a heads-up.

Coolest person in the world.

CPH's main man squeeze

I’ve got a man-crush on Justin Timberlake that I’m not afraid to admit, so let’s go with him. Dude collects style points in his sleep.

FKM: Natalie Portman, Keira Knightley, Scarlett Johansson?

F: Scarlett Johansson K: Keira Knightley, Natalie Portman (too skinny) M: Salma Hayek

Thanks!

Thank you, I’ve now been interviewed by Chris Hansen, the Maryland Correctional System, and Shakey. My life is complete.