Let's Make Assumptions!

An ESPN article demands that “You Make The Calls,” for seven NFL position battles for the starting quarterback position. Due to my boredom and minimal absorption of any NFL news in this part of the off-season, I decided to give it a shot, using no real stats or concrete evidence to back up my claims whatsoever.

QB battle in Oakland: JaMarcus Russell or Jeff Garcia?

Who has the more supple structure and younger blood so that Al Davis can sustain himself? JaMarcus. Therefore, Russell gets sacrificed for Al Davis feeding and Good Ol’ Journeyman gets the job.

Winner: Jeff Garcia

Imagine a shrill, screeching sound while you're looking at this picture.

QB battle in Minnesota: Sage Rosenfels or Tarvaris Jackson?

Here’s why Sage Rosenfels will not have the job.

But, here’s why Tarvaris Jackson is an idiot.

If you watch both of these videos at the same time, there’s a tidal wave of failure (and rap music) rushing out of your computer. We all know Brett Favre is going to un-retire again anyway. You heard me, Brett. Stop playing high school games and just go to the Vikings, we all know you want to.

Winner: Brett Favre

QB battle in Detroit: Daunte Culpepper or Matthew Stafford?

This clip from the George Lopez Show, in shitty quality no less, shows the range of Daunte’s acting skills. At one point he burns Donovan McNabb. The funniest part of this clip was when both Culpepper and McNabb were talking about how it is illegal to give anything but a full ride from a college football program. Seriously, that was the funniest thing I’ve seen on the George Lopez Show. Oh, except that episode when the cranky old bitch died. Hilarious.

Matthew Stafford is unproven, and although everyone knows every single detail about him, thanks to ESPN, including what position he sits on the couch when he’s watching a movie, he’ll get the job after Daunte fucks up his legs after three or four games.

Winner: People who don’t live in Detroit

QB battle in San Francisco: Shaun Hill or Alex Smith?

Under each question, ESPN gathered highlights in a video for each quarterback. Here are Shaun Hill’s:
Shaun Hill Highlights — Hill passes for 245 yards and scores 2 TDs in a 27-24 win over the Redskins.

And here are Alex Smith’s:
Alex Smith interview — Michelle Beisner catches up with Smith at 49ers minicamp to talk about his new deal and the QB competition.

Talking doesn’t win football games, Alex. Shaun will certainly be the king of the “Hill”! Alright, sorry about that, that’s my only Chris Berman joke. Fuck you Chris Berman.

Winner: Shaun Hill

QB battle in New York: Mark Sanchez or Kellen Clemens?

This is what Mark Sanchez is tagging right now, and he hasn’t played a down in the NFL yet.

Sorry, Kellen.

Winner: Mark Sanchez

QB battle in Cleveland: Derek Anderson or Brady Quinn?

Derek Anderson and Cliff Lee are the same person, just for different sports. Enjoy your one great year, Derek. And fuck you Cliff Lee, you’re sucking up my fantasy team. You’re a little better now that you’ve settled into the season, but fuck you anyway.

Here’s Brady Quinn not wearing a shirt.

He could win the Matthew McConaughey Award for Not Wearing a Shirt… Ever. Previously won by Matthew McConaughey.

Besides, I have a little faith in Brady Quinn. Give him a chance.

Winner: Brady Quinn

QB battle in Tampa Bay: Josh Freeman or Luke McCown or Byron Leftwich?

Whoa, for the last one there are three quarterbacks! Crazy! Starting off, Luke doesn’t get a chance because McCown and failure are synonymous. Byron Leftwich has a weird name, which gives him a disadvantage. You can’t have a franchise built around some dude with a weird name like that. It’s like having your star quarterback named Zebediah Cocksmooch.

Josh Freeman’s unproven. I like that. It’s an open slate of inexperience, and he’ll have great memories in his 7-9 season. Goooo mediocrity!

Winner: Josh Freeman

Well, that’s it. When these quarterbacks become the leader in their team, you can say that I was right, like I always am because I’m infallible. GO FOOTBALL!