The First Installment in The Rookies Ombudsman Series
Ombudsman n. – “a person who handles complaints, a mediator; a spokesperson for the rights of a particular individual or group.”
It seems to be a sign of true success for an organization when it can boast of having an ombudsman. The World Wide Leader has one, and it’s probably a very busy job indeed. Deadspin also has one for the comment section, an area that is always in need of a mediator. We here at The Rookies are grotesquely aware of the need to mimic the successes of other Internet entities. It’s quite shameless. Some say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Others say plagiarism is a crime. We’ll leave the distinction up to you. Regardless, we have created our own ombudsman position, one that will be filled by our very own 310ToJoba, from the baseball blog of the same name. He can be reached here at all times and is getting “paid” to address the needs of the readership. Direct your inquiries his way, and maybe you’ll receive a response that contains more help than profanity. However, the Surgeon General requires us to warn you not to hold your breath on that front.
Beyond just following Deadspin though, the collection of authors at this site are constantly determined to improve. This column will be a voice and forum for the aspects of this fair corner of the Internet that can be improved upon. We have no idea how frequently it will run, but as always, feel free to contribute in the comments section or to email the ombudsman directly.
Rejoice, readers of The Rookies!
Change has come.
Us did it!
No, no, we didn’t bring in a black guy. Heavens, that would be risky. But we did make a step towards greater diversity by bringing aboard our first lady-person (who just so happens to inhabit her mom’s basement!) to help with the joke making. Welcome, Miranda Mindy Minda. Whatever. In case you were wondering, it went over excessively well in The Rookies Executive Chat. It took a few hours of hand wringing before the writers could collectively agree to even let Minda into the chatroom. Because we’re gay, you see. Case in point, these two great minds weighed in:
LittleWaynesBleedingHead says: but guys, she has BOOBS
Shakey says: BOOBS
LittleWaynesBleedingHead says: she can’t be one of us!
Shakey says: AHH
Shakey says: BOYS CLUB
LittleWaynesBleedingHead says: so does this mean we can’t complain about when our balls itch?!
Shakey says: i am not changing my ways
Shakey says: and i will implement slit into my vocabulary
Shakey says: oh, hey slit
How could anyone not feel welcome! Anyway, since Minda, and her extensive blogging credentials are now on board, what can the average reader expect to change around here? The answer is a definitive “nothing!” Just don’t be excessively crude in the comments and we’ll all get along like snakes and mongooses. I’m sure I’ve got that saying mixed up. If you are actually mad at us for bringing aboard a girl, Chuck is already on his way to defecate in your mailbox. Nevertheless, if you do want to be angry with us, just direct it towards the fact that we brought Minda aboard after we axed the Manscaping column via the death of Waxing Off. Our misogyny would have had so much more credibility if we had been able to point and grunt (most likely accompanied by a groin scratch) in Minda’s general direction when people questioned our making fun of other women “writing about sports.”
In fact, as proof of the maintenance of the status quo, consider the fact that the new girl takes part in a time-honored tradition for the authors: uncentered images. She’s not the most egregious culprit (glares at Samer and Tomato), but she didn’t waste time jumping on the wagon. As an example of the epidemic, consider the pre-jump version of this Tomato post , which he thought was necessary to title in all caps: “SEE! WE’RE NOT ALL JAILBIRDS!”
Look at that attention to detail! And what a lead in! How can you not click the jump of a post that features two oddly-positioned pictures of large, intimidating men? You’d be crazy not to! In fact, I’m pretty sure that’s how a lot of adult entertainment sites function.
It takes one extra click to center an image. One! Otherwise it looks like a third grade art project put together by the kid who can’t get over how swell the paste tastes. Tomato’s image placement is a classic example of what should be known as the “tumble effect,” wherein your head must make an awkward bob downward to follow the progression. It’s annoying and can’t be healthy. The short of it? Don’t be a fool, click the “center” option in the image placement feature.
Thus ends the nitpicking.
But we have more! As part of a recurring feature in my role as ombudsman, I will keep the gentle readership abreast of what is perhaps the most pressing issue on the site: Samer’s homerism. Because I’m a visually oriented person and a sensitive soul, I figure the easiest way to do this will be to rank the current level of Samer’s homerism in a fashion that mimics the Department of Homeland Security’s Advisory System for imminent terrorist threats. This should end well.
Your current Samer Homerism Threat Level is:
As opposed to the past few weeks, our resident source of everything you don’t want to hear about has toned it down a bit. The posts dealing with George Orwell and Chad Johnson featured a noticeable lack of Boston-based thinking, but were still ripe with Samer’s stench. He didn’t hesitate to post about Dennis Eckersley though, a detail which prevents The Rookies from being completely safe. There’s no cause for true alarm, but we will still insist on checking his shoes for concealed bits of Masshole-ness.
And finally, before leaving you to recover from the inevitable brain damage this post has undoubtedly caused, consider this bonus snippet from the executive chatroom. It will give you a further unnecessary glimpse into the method behind our madness.
Minda says: hey guys, i know i don’t know you yet but i need to ask you a favor:
Minda says: please do not name any of your future children “Clete”
Chuck Knoblockhead says: My firstborn son will be named Ragnarok
Chuck Knoblockhead says: So no worries